I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
