Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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