I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
NoShamevember. You game?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Is Oprah even human
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
