I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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