I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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