He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize