i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Too much gin, very little bucket
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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