Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
