My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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