I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
