I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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