Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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