I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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