take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
