I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
