Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
