Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
