How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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