A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
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