I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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