wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
