My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
