No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
