I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
