I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
