Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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