so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
