I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
