what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
