I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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