I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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