Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
