God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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