That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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