I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
