im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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