i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
