Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
