I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize