someone threw a dead crab at me
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
