Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
