dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
