omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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