you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
