I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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