i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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