I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
