So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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