Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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