Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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