Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
