Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
