I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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