Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
