remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
