ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
