Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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