I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
