totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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